It would take a thousand pages to say what I’d like to say about families, but
here are a few of my thoughts:
1. All children need a chance to have a family-a mom and/or dad. They have a right to be
given the opportunity to succeed, to feel loved, to accept being loved, to give love, to be
happy.
For some children, their earlier deprivation, neglect or abuse make it extremely
difficult to grow into secure adults. Some may not “make it,” but they still have the right
to that opportunity. And, parents must continue to offer love, acceptance and be
committed, even when the child isn’t open to accept it.
It is difficult as a parent to see one’s child make wrong decisions, but the child makes the
choice. We can only give them the opportunity.
2. Parents of mentally and/or physically challenged children need to have the strength to
not give up. They need to be flexible. They also need to push away feelings of guilt if
they do something “wrong.”
If services-music, art, sports-seem impossible or too expensive, all parents need to look
for creative ways to get those services or look for alternatives.
3. Children who are mentally or physically challenged still have the same wants and
desires and dreams as able-bodied children. Our children want to grow up to have an
apartment or house, to date, to have a job, play sports, dance, etc. They may have to
adapt some of those dreams, but so does everyone.
4. When we think of our child’s disability, we focus on what they can do, not much on
what they can’t do. Yet, we are honest; we tell a blind child, “No, you won’t be able to
fly a plane alone, but you can travel to faraway lands, climb the tallest of mountains,
swim in the warmest sea.” We all have things we can’t do and all have dreams that will
never come true.
5. People need to concentrate on what can be done when a child has emotional
problems, rather than finding fault. Many teens will have problems developing their
independence, some more than others. This is true whether the child is from a large or
small, two-parent or single-parent family. It is true for birth children and adopted
children.
Parents of children who are adopted need to be aware of the possibility of future
emotional problems and be open to counseling. This is especially true for children who
are adopted at older ages.
6. We look for help when it is needed. This can be by professionals-psychologists,
pediatricians, etc.-or from friends. I have several friends from all different kinds of
families who offer support, words of wisdom or just a shoulder to cry on.
7. We believe all people continue to grow and learn, even until death. Therefore, we
can’t take full credit for an adult-child who is a success. And...we do not need to take
blame for one who is not making it.
Also, we need to have hope that a wayward son or daughter will make the choice to do
right, even if it is years after he or she leaves home. That’s why we must be committed
for life. We may not condone a certain lifestyle, but we can love and accept our son or
daughter.
It’s not easy to let go of our children, but they need to discover they can be independent.
8. We hope each of our children will learn to love and accept being loved, believe they
have an important role in life and be able to give to others their time, their love and their
service.
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Here are some things you might want to try, when visiting a
younger child. These ideas can be adapted for older kids, also. We have done these, and
feel they help the child to feel more familiar with you before the actual move.
1. send pictures of you and your family. We bought a cloth type, child’s photo book,
called Baby’s First Photo Album. It has clear plastic covers for the pictures. The
pictures are enclosed in clear plastic covers, in such a way that even if the child sucks on
the corners of their book, it won’t ruin the pictures.
2. Send a photo album for the foster family to share with the child. Make it a story book,
so the foster family can share names, places, etc. with the child.
3. Send a recording of songs you normally sing to your children. You could even read
simple stories, or just talk about things you do as a family.
4. Send some sheets, blankets, etc. so that the child can use them in the foster home,
then he/she will be able to bring them to their forever home, and use them the first night
home.
5. Buy a blanket, and sleep with it a few nights first. Then send it maybe a week before
arrival home. That way the child gets to “know” your smells. That sounds quite funny,
but a child learns from all their senses. You smell may be a usual soap, shampoo or
perfume. You could even ask the foster mom to use your type clothes detergent on the
child’s belongings, or send a bottle of your usual perfume, and ask the foster mom to put
a few drops on the child’s coat, blanket or sheet.
5. Send some toys that the child can use, and then bring to their new home. Provide easy
identification, so it isn’t difficult for the foster family to identify them. Maybe it would
be nice to send a game or toy for rest of the foster children in the home. You might even
want to have a storage container, to make it easier for the foster mom, even a backpack
with the child’s name could be used.
6. Try to remember that the foster family is a very important part of your child’s life.
Not only have they loved and cared for your child, you child also has probably begun to
bond with them. When they grow, it will be important for them to know that the foster
family was there to give them stability as their world was falling apart. So...take lots of
pictures, or the foster family, or their home, of the room where the child slept, etc. Give
copies to the foster family also.
7. Show respect for the foster family, and try to understand if they may not want contact
with you at first or not all. Sometimes, not often though, a foster family might not
support the placement. If that is the case, you can still honor them, respecting them and
the wonderful job them are doing. Show appreciation for them. Send questions, through
the caseworker when needed, asking about the child’s likes and dislikes, ask what their
typical day is like with the child, ask for suggestions to make the transition easier, etc.
Ask the foster parents what type of lotions, etc. they use on the child. Be sure to ask the
caseworker if the foster family wants contact first, and if they want contact after
placement. Some will want to continue contact, others will need to move on with their
lives and contact would be too painful to them. Each one is unique, and there is no way
to know what their reaction will be.
8. Buy a car seat, and send it to the foster family to use. Again, the child would then
have their own seat, the one they are familiar with as they travel home with you.
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1. Whenever my kids are quiet for more than a few minutes, I know that trouble is soon to come. I was on the compter, doing just what I'm doing right now, editing my website. The sun was shining, early in the day when the air is just starting to warm up, and...it was too quiet. I couldn't hear their laughter, I couldn't hear their "work." So, as any mother will do, I headed outside to look for them. I quickly saw their newest "game." They actually looked kind of cute: huge cowboy boots on their feet. And...they had taken out 2 dozen eggs, and had a great time smashing the eggs with the cowboy boots, on indoor/outdoor carpeting!! The looks on their faces...they knew they had done something wrong, and were very worried about being caught. It took a lot of strength on my part not to smile. But, I did not want them to continue with the game in days to come. So, I put on my serious mommy look, and sadly said, "Oh no, now we have no more eggs for egg salad sandwichs. We'll just have to have plain old peanut butter sandwichs." Tears whelled up in their eyes, and they started to cry, "Oh no, no more egg sandwichs." Well, it worked, we haven't had stomped eggs for months. By the way, I would usually have had them clean up the mess, but have you ever tried to clean up raw eggs on a carpet? It's amazing, but if you rub with a wet washcloth, as I did, foam even appears. A sharp serving spoon was the best, in case it ever happens to you.
Another Example (especially regarding chldren born drug affected):
Roger is 2, and has quite a temper, typical of kids this age who feel they know everything, and that they deserve everything (even if they just now noticed that their sister has a toy car, one that they wouldn't play with an hour ago). His temper tantrums are much more than that, though. He will grab whatever is around him and hit to get what he wants. He has no patience, and will not, under any circumstances, give up. He will then throw himself to the floor, and scream and kick. It is so much more intense than any child we have ever parented, and yes loved. It can be quite frustrating, as any parent knows. What I realized, rather quickly, is that threats, yelling, or spanking would only esculate his out of control behavior.
By accident, I found two things that actually worked with him. One, instead of turning up the volumn of my voice, I spoke very, very softly. It was quite funny the first few times, because all he could see was my mouth moving. I was very antimated, but not an angry expression. He had to quietly yell, and that was pretty hard. He would start to yell again, but I kept talking softly, so he finally stopped. I was giving him an alternative, rather than just telling him no," or "Don't do this." The second thing I learned was that sign language has a lot of power. I don't know many signs, but the "stop" sign worked wonders. I just kept signing, "stop" over a couple of times, at first using words also, but then verbal words weren't needed. It was as if the emotions of speaking interferred with his obedience.
Now, I usually get down on his level, gently, but firmly hold his shoulders, talk softly, and always offer something else he can or should be doing. Now I realize that he's getting older and probably just going beyond the tantrum stage, but I feel my gentleness helped him to learn to be more in control. I also feel that a child having a tantrum feels a loss on control which is quite scarey to him/her. When a parent reacts with yelling, spanking, etc. that just makes the child feel less in control, and more fearful. They learn that "if mom yells, then it must be okay if I yell."
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