Adoption: A Family Choice
Do Not Copy, Reproduce, Publish, etc., any article, story, picture, etc., from any part of this website, without my permission.
Tom
This angelic face, is Tom. Following is a poem I wrote, and put on helium balloons at his Memorial Service. Then, there is a copy of my "speech" I gave at Tom's service.
Free At Last
March of 1984
A trip we took to meet our son.
Cute little boy we said,
But...Oh so handicapped...
Alone in our rooms we prayed...
Could we, Should we...
We did not understand.
With faith only,
We took him home.
We fed him,
We bathed him,
We dressed him so sweet,
We pushed his wheelchair
in the sun and wind,
We carried him to bed.
Those he understood, but...
Care by us,
like brushing his teeth,
or braces for his legs,
or medicine 3 times a day,
He could not understand.
August 29, 1997
God saw that he was getting tired,
He knew his body couldn't take any more
So God took him home.
And now we understand:
He is Free At Last
In Memory of Tom-our beloved son and brother who died, at the age of 17 years. He was adopted in 1984. He was profoundly retarded, totally Blind and Deaf, had seizures, hydrocephalus, and Cerebral Palsy.
|
All of our children loved Tom. Even Janice loved pushing him in his wheelchair (and she, too, is blind). We, of course, were with her when she pushed him, but she felt she was so important.
|
Mom read the following at Tom's Memorial Service:
We thank each of you for coming to support us during this emotional time, but to also join us in celebrating Tom’s release from this world, into Heaven. It is very important to us to be sure the children know that Tom is now truly free, that he no longer has the encumbrances of Cerebral Palsy, seizures, blindness, deafness and retardation. These things have only been the things dealing with his earthly body, but inside he was a little boy. He loved, he needed to be loved. He felt joy, he felt pain. He could not teach us things like a professor does, he can not advise like a counselor, but somehow he was able to teach each of us so much. Often we don’t realize the profound affect someone like Tom has on us, but...well, listen to some of the things our children and grand children have said about Tom:
(earlier, we had each person write on a post card, a memory of Tom, then tied them to a helium balloon. We tied each balloon to his wheelchair. On the seat of his wheelchair, we had his leg braces, his picture, and two of his empty medicine bottles).
“I remember many times coming to the rescue when one of my siblings
was having trouble feeding Tom. The minute I took over, somehow Tom
realized an adult was feeding him and he would be at ease. He would
smile to say, “Ah, this is the way I should be fed.” Tom lived a simplistic
life, he did not require much: eating, sleeping, smiling, being pushed in
the wheelchair, a warm touch on the hand, to resting and stretching his
limbs in the warm summer sun, or on the carpet or an autumn day. Tom
was completely content. It amazed me how happy he was just resting.
Therefore, I believe Heaven will be a wonderful place for Tom. He is a
perfect example of one who never asks a lot from others. He didn’t give
back in materialistic ways like some humans would like, but he gave back
to us-LOVE, simply love. He also gave us smiles and sometimes cries of
pain and happiness. I remember Tom having laughing fits and no one
would know why, except God and him, I guess that’s all that mattered to
Tom.”
Dorothy, 22-Tom's sister
“Tom was easy to take care of. Except when he didn’t like the food I
gave him. I would ask Mom to feed him the rest of the food. When she
fed him, he knew that mom was feeding him. Sometimes Tom would
fight my mom when she brushed his teeth. Heaven is a better place for
him.”
Martha, 14-Tom's sister
I remember doing physical therapy with Tom when he was younger.
My job was to get Tom to use his leg muscles and bear weight on his legs.
That was no easy task. I would exercise his legs, put his feet on the
ground, then give him support to stand up. He, on the other hand, would
grumble and groan, then immediately pull his feet up. This happened
several times, but I think at the end I triumphed. Tom taught me to be
patient, to persevere, and to be consistent. Little did I know back then,
how useful these skills would be in dealing with my teenagers.”
Joyce, 32-Tom's sister
“I like him. I liked pushing his wheelchair.”
Royce, 4-Tom's nephew
“I liked Tom because he was nice. Tom was really funny because he
would hum a lot.”
Suzie, 6-Tom's neice
“I remember when Tom would be inside, while we were all outside
and I would have to come in to get something or check on Mary, and
Tom would be sitting there grinding his teeth or making loud noises. I
also remember that a week or so ago, I would help Martha feed Tom and
how he would pull my hands down when I would hold his head. One time
Martha and I were trying to feed him yogurt and he would spit it out. Then
he wouldn’t stay still and we would spill yogurt all in his hair and on his
pants.”
Darcy, 13-Tom's neice
“Tom is a kid that loved to smile. He laughs, he cries, he sings out
loud. Some days he would laugh without us touching him, and I always
wondered if he was singing to the Lord and the Lord was singing with
him.”
Doug, 16-Tom's brother
“He would always start to laugh as if he and God were sharing a
personal joke. Well, now there will be others to share it with him.
Erin, 31-Tom's brother
Tom's Story by Mom
My husband and I met Tom, back in 1984, but when we went back to the
motel room, I just knew I could not be a parent to him...he was too
retarded. My husband said “Lets pray about it and read the Bible.” I thought there
was no way that would help, but we prayed anyway. I shut my eyes and landed on a verse that
said, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and to
the land I will show you. (Genesis 12) I then read, “And everything will
be okay (of course that last addition is not really in the Bible, but that is
what I read that day so long ago.
We knew Tom might not live to an adult, but we got so used to having
him around, that we usually didn’t think about his dying. In fact, we
thought he would live until at least his 20’s, I guessed 23 years as the
time he would have on this earth.
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday of last week Doug and Janice
were singing “Amazing Grace,” many times, together. On Friday
morning, Janice said, “I am sad mommy.” “Why honey,” “Because
people die.” “Well, Janice, you know what a wonderful place heaven is,
and how you will be able to see, and there is no pain or suffering, right?” She then replied, “Yes, and when Tom dies, he will be able to walk.” She said that
about 10 hours before Tom died! In the evening, after his death,
Janice asked me if she and Doug could sing Amazing Grace, alone at
the funeral. And Doug said he really wanted to do it with Janice.
Late that night, actually early the next morning (I couldn’t sleep),
a message by email came. It said how happy Tom must be in Heaven,
and that he was probably telling everyone what a wonderful mommy he
had.” I burst out in tears, because I did not feel like a good mom
to Tom. There were a few times when I felt irritation, like when
I have to delay going somewhere because I didn’t have a baby sitter
for Tom, or when I had to change one of his poopy diapers (it wasn’t
always fun to change a diaper on a 17 year old, developing boy). I prayed
that God would take away that feeling of guilt, it really felt awful.
Finally, that number, 23, came up again...I thought, "Oh good, that must
be in reference to the 23rd Psalm." I read Psalm 23 in the Children’s Bible,
and that made me feel great, but I still wasn’t quite satisfied, I
checked page 23, and read, “Leave your country, your relatives and
your father’s family. Go to the land I will show you.” Wow, I
couldn’t
believe it; the same Bible verse I had read so many years
earlier!!
I now feel I was a good mom for Tom, but it was okay to feel
irritation at times. And, like my friend Betty said, “I bet you feel
irritation
every once in awhile with each of your kids. If you didn’t have any
irritation
with Tom, then maybe you weren't treating or thinking of him like you did
the other kids.” My few irritations, showed I did love him equally,
maybe differently, but still equally. I am not perfect, but that is still okay.
For me, maybe the greatest lesson Tom taught me, or actually is in the
process of teaching me, is to accept my imperfections, and not feel so darn
guilty over things.
The songs we have chosen, each have parts that are very important to
us. Therefore I have printed out the words so that you can hear each word.
The first song is Colors of the Wind, and the words I feel are important are
italicized.
Now Doug and Janice (Janice is blind) would like to sing Amazing Grace. Please
join them when they start the part, “Praise God, Praise God.”
Amazing grace, How sweet the sound...I once was lost, but now am found; Was blind, but now I see.
We’d like each of you to now take the flowers and put them on Tom’s
casket, as the music plays, “Home Free.” Please hold hands after you
place the flower on the casket.
Please come up and cut a balloon, while the music plays a song called
Fly Away. It was written by Annie Chapman, in memory of her
grandparents who died several years earlier. I wrote out the words to that
song also. And, thank you again for sharing our grief as well as our joy of loving Tom.
 |
Tom's very own award: Storksites Special Needs Children This award is a Special Needs Child. Their site has lots of great links to other families, a bulletin board, etc.
|
I've had 
visitors to this page, since November 17, 1997.
