Adoption: A Family Choice


Melissa's Suggestions-October 2006

Melissa sent me some suggestions, based on her own personal experience. If you would like to write her and ask any questions, her email address is: melissa25125@yahoo.com

Hi, my name is Melissa. I am 30 yrs old, 1/2 white and 1/2 black, and adopted by an all "white" family since the age of 5. As a child, my mother didn't know how to do my hair (she's clueless, regardless of color, nationality or otherwise) so she kept it cut short. I never really suffered from low self esteem because of my short hairstyles though, because my hair has always had an almost "white" texture to it, and didn't require braids, gels, twists etc. Thank god, because I don't think she could have handled my hair if it were kinky or afro. Heck, she has trouble figuring out cell phones, remote controls and how to get her e-mail!!!

Anyway, I have a 6 yr old daughter, and she is 75% black, and 25% white, which means that although her hair is similar to mine in texture, it definitely requires black hair products and care. Since she was born, at first, I struggled to learn how to do her hair. It was like nothing I had ever experienced with my own hair (having tried black hair products on myself with no success) and I was learning from scratch. I have basically self taught myself how to style her hair to the best of my ability, and here is an outline of what I do for her hair. Don't be afraid to compliment a black mother on her children's hairstyles, and ask her if she would consider braiding your child's hair or teaching you. She may have an attitude, and she might not. Not all black women have attitudes though. We're all people, and everyone's personality is different.

SHAMPOO AND CONDITION

1. WASH: Once a week, or preferably every other week, I wash her hair. Usually with baby shampoo. I wash twice, then condition her hair with a black hair conditioner called Optimum Care Stay Strong Conditioner (it's in a peach colored bottle) and cap her hair (with a shower cap or a disposable one from a black hair supply store) until right before her bath is over. I rinse it out with lukewarm water, then quickly rinse it with freezing cold water to seal the pores in her hair to keep the moisture locked in. (or at least that's what someone has told me since she was a baby) Also, when your child's hair is in braids, it's better to not let it get wet during bathtime.

If you have to wash it do so and rinse thoroughly. NEVER condition hair that is any type of braids (cornrows, box, parted sections braided, etc) because the conditioner is difficult to completely rinse out and if it stays under the hair which is damp next to the scalp, it is NOT good....A veritable breeding ground for germs and mold: Dark, Damp, Moist and with something (hint hint:Conditioner) that should NOT be there. Hey, if you enjoy mildew on your kid's hair, go for it. But don't be surprised if you get a nasty surprise. ONLY condition hair that is "loose and free" of any hairstyles.

DEEP CONDITIONING TREATMENTS: It's also a good idea to give your child's hair a deep conditioning treatment every 2 weeks. (Follow directions in section 8, #5 for instructions.) either at home or preferably at a salon for the hooded dryer benefit. If you want to, you can buy a portable hooded dryer that rolls right up behind a chair so you can give home treatments. Sally's beauty supply has a few models available, and I'm sure a google search on the internet could help too....

2. PARTING, MOISTURIZING AND GREASING HAIR AND SCALP

After she is out of the bathtub, I towel dry her hair until it is still damp, and part her hair down the middle, and clip it to the side, then I part the other side down the middle and clip it again until it's divided into 4 sections from forehead to nape. I work each section with a wide toothed comb with rounded edges from the ends to the scalp. Then I take a smaller comb and keep making parts and greasing the scalp all over the section I'm working on. I usually don't use greases. What I do use, is "BB Castor Oil Hair Strengthening Cream with Aloe" lotion. It's a black hair product that comes in a white tub with pink lettering on it and a pink lid and can be found in almost any drugstore.

After I have parted it, I use a spritz bottle with water in it to mist my daughter's hair lightly and I use a leave in moisturizer called "Lustrasilk Moisture Max (mega-moist oil moisturizing hari lotion...restores vital moisture, body, and sheen to dry damaged hair) which comes in a white bottle with blue lettering and a blue cap. I've found this in both black hair supply stores as well as Wal-Mart. I repeat this parting and moisturizing of the scalp and hair until the entire head is done, making as many "parts" as possible to each section to make sure the scalp is thoroughly "greased".

Always be very careful when combing your child's hair as it is very fragile, and the water weakens it even more. Never comb hair starting from the scalp. It stretches the hair and causes it to snap, which in turn will cause split ends which must be trimmed. Always start at the ends, and work in sections. Really kinky hair is almost impossible to comb through unless you make parts. In general, black hair will not grow much if it is not kept in braids and pulled back to keep pressure on the roots to stimulate the hair to grow.

Also since as I said black hair is very fragile, the grease and braids are actually PROTECTING it!! Those cute little beaded black girls you see with 10 thousand beaded and barretted, braided hairstyles that seem overly done up to some white people, actually probably have pretty healthy, long hair....all thanks to the mother staying on top of keeping it braided. The thicker (and usually, but sometimes not) coarser your child's hair is, the more braids and parts will be needed to have it done. Actually for really thick hair, braided (cornrows) will probably be the only time it can be combed through, and the braids are the only way it will grow. If your black child's hair has never been in braids, and it stays perpetually short and won't grow, it's probably because it's not in braids. So, the next time you see some swinging beads or barrettes on a beautiful black child, smile and compliment her mother (and ask her for advice!!!).

3. PARTING (BOX PARTING) AND STYLING

When I have comleted instruction 2. I part the hair from side to side to separate the front from the back and band the front to the side out of my way. I then part the back into two pig tails, put a rubber band on my finger, and a dab of castor oil lotion, I comb one pig tail as close to the scalp as possible and rubber band it. (The rubber bands I mention are little tiny bands that are sold in most stores in the hair section next to the barrettes, etc. I buy them from the black hair supply store though, because I can usually get a whole tub of 500 of them for a dollar or two) I repeat this with the other pony tail. Then I start working on the front.

Basically, the rubber band, the dab of castor oil, and a parted section of hair are the only things you really need to do. It's called sectioning or box braiding, depending on how you part the sections of hair. I usually braid each section, but if I'm in a hurry I will rope twist the hair. Don't be afraid to get creative with your parts. Have fun with it, and learn which "styles" are most flattering and easiest for you to do. Parting makes perfect (nice straight parts that is) !!! Some people say the end of a rat tail comb is best for parts. I like to use the teeth of a comb....whatever works best for you.

4. TWISTS AND ROPE TWISTS

Twists and Rope twists look the same. You start with a rubber banded section of hair secured to the scalp. the you make two sections of hair. This is where it differs. For the longest time, I would simply wrap one strand around the other till I got to the end and then put a barrette at the end by wrapping the straight end of the barrette around the end and then snapping it shut. Trouble is, these would look cute for 1/2 the day and then the got really poofy and bunched up and frizzy looking.

HOW TO DO A ROPE TWIST

A "Rope Twist" looks the same, but is much smoother and neat looking and stays straight without bunching it up. Basically, you take the two sections of hair that you WOULD HAVE twisted. You hold the left section of hair between your thumb and pointer finger, doing the same in your right hand with the other section. Begin rolling the hair in your fingers simultaneously in a clockwise motion until it starts to look like two smooth ropes in each hand, (kind of like twisting sheeps wool into yarn to get a nice even thread) and once you have each "rope: started, begin crossing your right hand (with the rope) UNDER your left hand (with the rope) ,so that the strands look like an X, with the section that was in your left hand now on the top of the X and in your right hand, and with the section that was in your right hand underneath, and in your left hand.

You will keep doing this continuously, rolling the two strands as tightly as possible and strecthing the hair in a downward motion as you twist. If you are doing it correctly, it will almost seem as if the two "rope" strands are naturally wrapping around themselves of their own accord. The rope twists will turn out longer than a regular twist, because you are actually straightening the hair in a rope twist as opposed to just wrapping it around each other. Do this all the way to the end of the hair. You should end up with two ropes twisted smoothly around each other that looks like a twist, only much nicer looking. Wrap a barette at the end, and repeat with hair until the whole head is finished.

5. HOW TO PUT BEADS ON A BRAID

There is a product sold in black hair supply stores called a "Beading Wand" or something like that. It is a black wand with a circle at the bottom to stop the beads from falling off, and it has a large loop at the end, almost like a giant oversized needle loop only the wand is flexible plastic. (If you've ever bought the little packages of tiny beads at the black hair supply store, they usually have a little miniature version of the beading wand in white plastic. It's usually designed to look like kids, but if you are fortunate enough to find one of these in a package of miniature beads, take it to the cashier and show the wand to them, and ask them for the black wand, which is much larger by scale. They should know what you're talking about, and in every store I've gone to, they only cost one dollar. I always buy these because the amount of time they save me is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. These things literally save hours sometimes, depending on the size of beads you're using and the size of the braids, and there are MANY different sizes.

The basic concept to a beading wand is, you string the desired number of beads you want onto the wand. Then you take the end of the braid you want to bead, and put the end through the loop at the top of the wand and and hold the end of the hair together with the braid tightly in your hand with the loop of the beader in the center. You should then be able to "push" the beads onto the braid all the way up to the scalp. Take a little plastic rubber band and keep the very last bead from the wand separate from the other beads on the braid. Take the end of the braid and "loop" the last bead with the end of the braid, holding the end tightly as close as possible next to the bead. You should have just the one bead in your hand with the end of the braid wrapped around it. Take a little rubber band should and wrap it tightly (you'll get the hang of it after a while) around the bead repetitively until the bead is securely fastened. Take any little strands from the end of the braid that are still remaining above the rubber band (you'll see what I mean) and wrap it around the braid and then push the other beads back down the braid until it looks like just one long line of beads on the braid. It's your choice how many beads to use, but I personally believe that you should cover the braids from the scalp of the braid to the end as much as possible with beads. It looks better if you can't see the scalp. This sounds hard, but it is actually very easy with practice and saves you money on having to take your child to the hairdresser if you don't know how to cornrow braids (I don't know how to cornrow) .

Beads can be put onto anything: cornrows, box, braids, heck , even rope twists. (Actually, beading rope twists gives your kid that fancy look without having to take ten billion years to take out braids. ALWAYS braid every single bit of the end of a braid, even if it looks tiny enough to look at under a microscope. Only the very very very tip should not be braided because it will only be 1/2 an inch long anyway.....I would recommend asking a beautician in hair salon to show you.(usually hairstylists who specialize in Jamaican hairstyles will know what you are talking about) The best thing about rope twist is that they look nicer than braids and give the hairstyle a more "natural look" and they are so easy to take out it's almost ridiculous. If you don't want to use barettes, you can part it into little rows of boxes (the way box braid extensions are parted) and just rope twist the entire head. You will end up with an adorable hair style that looks almost like dreads....almost. Or if you want your daughter's hair styled in corn rows, instead of braiding and beading the ends of the hair you could try rope twisting the hair once the braided section is off the scalp. I tried this on my daughter and it came out absolutely BEAUTIFUL, even better than beads or barrettes, which will give your child a more "grown up" appearance" when they start feeling too old for "little girl"styles.

6. HOW TO TAKE OUT BRAIDS

Speaking of taking out braids. An extremely simple way of taking out braids very quickly, is to use the tail end of a rat comb (the end has to be pointy.....it can't be one of those poorly made ones that are dull and rounded at the end like from the 2/$1.00 bin in the black hair stores. I would look for the quality combs that you can get at CVS, Wal-Mart or Target in the ethnic hair section or comb/brush section. What is a rat comb? Well, they are usually a mustardy yellow color, they have very fine teeth at the end, and the rest of the comb is a long pointed tail. (If you still don't know what I'm talking about, ask your beautician what it looks like) As I said earlier, you take the pointy tail end of the rat comb, and starting at the bottom of the braid, insert the pointy part DIRECTLY into the very smack dead center of the braid, and move the comb downwards. The braid should start to unravel very easily, and is quicker and less painful to the child's scalp to unbraid this way. ALWAYS work your way up from the bottom of the braid up to the top of it. If you try to start at the top, you'll just hit snarls, and have to start at the bottom anyway. If you are taking out beads, use the teeth of a rattail comb to snap the rubber bands off. Hold the braid very tightly and pull very hard to snap the rubber band. you'll get the hang of it.

7. HOW TO BLOW-DRY / STRAIGHTEN HAIR FOR BRAIDING AND STYLING

If I want to blow-dry my dauther's hair straight (it makes rope twist turn out beautifully) I wash and condition it as usual. then I use the "Lustrasilk Moisture Max" I mentioned earlier and distribute it evenly throughout my daughter's hair. I take the blow dryer with the comb attachment, and from the scalp down (I also section her hair as described in part 2 above) I take a section of her hair and dry her hair with it., repeatedly with the blow dryer until it is completely dry from scalp to ends. At this point, it will still appear to be a little frizzy, but extremely soft. Use as much moisturizer as you need. If you use too much, you can always dry it with the blowdryer!!

IT IS ALWAYS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO USE A MOISTURIZER OR PROTECTIVE AGENT ON YOUR CHILDS HAIR BEFORE USING ANY TYPE OF HEAT, as this is what will protect your child's hair from becoming dried, fried and frazzled from the heat of the hair dryer. Then I take the hair dryer (it would do you good to go out and buy a salon quality top of the line hair dryer, that you can use a comb attachment piece with fastened at the end of it.......that way you only have to work (sort of) with one hand.....ask your black hair beautician what kind of blow dryer she uses....) I repeat this moisturizing and blow drying of my daughter's hair until her whole head is completely dried. I then re-part it into the 4 sections as described in part 2, and start the whole process over again, THIS TIME, using "Luster's Pink Light Oil Moisturizer" (I use the light one for my daughter's finer textured hair. You can use the regular pink oil moisturizer if your child's hair is kinkier or more coarse textured...The results you will get will absolutely astound you.

Remember, every thing takes practice, and don't be afraid to ask your black hairstylist to show you, even if you have to stand over her shoulder to learn. If she has an attitude, just ignore it and tip well, ESPECIALLY if she braids well. The skill of a hairdresser is judged by how long the cornrow braids stay looking nice after being braided. If they don't even last a week before they start looking fuzzy, you need to go to another salon, because there is no reason why a good hairdresser's braids shouldn't last for at least two weeks. The amount of straightness you will achieve with your child's hair depends on the kinkyness or texture of it. The finer the hair, the straighter it will be the kinker, the less straighter. This straightening is intended to prepare your child's hair for hair styling, not wearing straight down her back....because no matter how hard you try, the very ends will still stay slightly frizzy.

The purpose of blowdrying it straight in this way is to help the braids (cornrows) lie down flatter and smoother against the scalp, giving the hairstyle a much nicer appearance. Your hairstylist (if you bring your child to a salon to have her hair braided) will appreciate your efforts and will have less of an attitude with you if you bring your child to them with their hair already washed and blowdried. The different moisturizers and oil products that can be used to blowdry black hair straight vary depending on what works best for your child.

The point to remember is to moisturize first to protect hair from the heat, then use the oil, hair greases or whatever to make it lie as flat and smooth (and less frizzy) as possible. The heat helps the curls release themselves and straighten out. Also, if you plan to take your daughter to a black beauty salon to have her hair braided, she will greatly appreciate you practicing your skills with a beading wand, and you can bead your child's hair yourself after she finishes each braid, since even with the wand, it can be time consuming. She will appreciate you saving her time, and it will earn you brownie points with her. Plus it's good practice, and gets you home faster!!!

8. RELAXER (PERM) KITS

Since I'm on a roll here, I might as well share my knowledge of Relaxers and Perm Kits: DO NOT PUT THEM IN YOUR CHILD'S HAIR!!!! The harshness of the chemicals can have a PERMANENT (and I DO mean permanent) negative effect on the health of your child's hair even up to adulthood. There are different types: Extra Extra mild, mild, regular, super, super duper....etc....for both adult and children's hair. The types depend on the texture and kinkiness of your child's hair. If you insist on relaxing her hair, don't bother with a white hair salon because they don't know nearly as much about black hair care as a black hair stylist does. If you decide to relax her hair at home, have an experienced black hair stylist examine your child's hair and recommend what brand and type of children's relaxer you need. TEST a small section of hair first, BEFORE you begin, to see how your child's hair reacts, and to see how much straightening will actually occur. Then, if you're still hell bent on destroying your child's hair, follow these directions. BE FOREWARNED THOUGH, that relaxers are not just a one time deal, and you WILL have to stay on top of retouching your child's hair as new growth comes in.

Relaxers change the texture and composition of your child's hair P E R M A N E N T L Y!! The texture of the natural "new hair" that grows in after a relaxer is also called "virgin hair" which means natural hair that has not been chemically altered. The virgin hair, and the relaxed hair are two completely different textures. The point where the virgin hair and the relaxed hair meets, is extremely fragile where the relaxed part is. If you do not continuously retouch your child's hair to treat the new growth/virgin hair with a relaxer, YOUR CHILD'S HAIR WILL BREAK OFF AT THE POINT WHERE THE VIRGIN HAIR AND THE RELAXED HAIR MEETS!! Translation: If you do not stay on top of retouching your child's virgin hair EACH AND EVERY SINGLE TIME a retouch is due, your child's hair will begin to break off until she basically has an afro of 2-3 inch long hair. (maybe even shorter)

When you relax hair, you are making a commitment to maintain your child's hair for as long as she has the relaxer in it. If you cant make the commitment, and choose to relax it anyway, then you might as well cut her hair all off now, because that is what will happen if you don't maintain her hair afterward!!! And if you grow tired of having a relaxer, the relaxed part of your child's hair will be permanently damaged and you will have to cut it and re-grow it again from scracth if you want to go back to her having natural hair!!! Wait until she is a teenager, when her hair is a little bit more matlure and closer to adult's hair.

1. About two weeks in advance, let your child's hair get as dirty, kinky, nasty, fuzzy and whatever else as possible. The dirtier it is, the better. DO NOT wash her hair before starting to apply the relaxer or you will be wasting your entire efforts. Relaxers work best on DIRTY hair. They fail miserably on freshly washed, squeaky clean hair.

2. Part as described in section 2 earlier, and grease your child's ENTIRE SCALP, leaving NO PART of your child's scalp untouched by grease. Also, grease the ENTIRE hairline of your child's head around the entire scalp. It is better to use some type of hair grease, but if you have to, you can use vaseline, to grease the scalp and hairline. This is to protect your child's scalp from chemical burns from the relaxer.

3. Part your child's hair as described in section 2 earlier and, wearing the protective gloves, dip the comb into the relaxer (after mixed according to the packages/manufacturer's instructions) and begin combing one section starting at the ends and gradually working your way to the roots. Completely cover each section of hair with the relaxer, using a wide toothed comb and then a smaller toothed comb, etc. Do each section, AND WORK QUICKLY!!! The relaxer will start taking effect on your child's hair immediately, as soon as you put it in the hair, and if you are too slow combing the relaxer through her head, you will burn her hair and it may even start breaking off when it's rinsed out. Recruit as many people as your child can stand to have in her hair, to comb the sections with relaxer as quickly as possible to minimize the risk of burns. Focus especially on the ends and the roots, as these are the most resistant parts of hair.

4. AS SOON AS she begins to complain of her scalp burning the point that it's uncomfortable or unbearable to her, IMMEDIATELY wash it out!!! Do not delay, or you may end up with permanent damage. There's a special kind of shampoo called "De-Activating" shampoo that's orange. Ask the sales person in the store to sell it to you. Repeatedly wash your child's hair with this shampoo in the sink as many times as necessary, until the suds, rinse off completely clear. If the suds are still orange and not clear, you still have chemicals in her hair and need to keep washing it. When you buy the relaxer, check inside the box if possible to see what kind of conditioner they have included with it. If not, you will need to buy a conditioning treatment along with the deactivation shampoo to treat your child's hair. The more intense: moisturizing, therapeutic or whatever, the better. Hair Cholesterol is a good choice, and is really cheap. Actually, you should buy the hair cholesterol in a tub, because you will need to deep condition (as described below) it continuously on a regular basis. You should deep condition your child's hair regardless of whether or not she has or has not been chemically processed, and will help by leaps and bounds if it has been. The conditioning treatment should be applied just as if you regular wash and shampoo her hair, only this time the conditioner will stay on her head under a cap,or a warm damp towel for 20 minutes. If you can get her under a hair dryer, that's even better. Then rinse her hair, towel dry, comb and whatever else you want to do with it.

5. Deep condition every 2 weeks as described in #4, (above) and re-touch the virgin hair every 3-4 weeks or so, or as reccomended by your ethnic hair stylist. Retouching means you will have to repeat relaxing her hair again, as described in sections 1-4 only you will only be relaxing the virgin hair, and not the part that is already relaxed. You should also ask your black hair stylist to recommend shampoo and conditioning products (besides the hair cholesterol) specifically designed for relaxed or chemically treated hair for children.....as you will need them for as long as your child has no virgin hair on her head.

Melissa received an informative response, Addition to Melissa's Sugestions to her above article.

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